This blog post is going to be very raw. And honest. Please refrain from commenting your opinion. I have taken my circumstance under serious thought, and I am in no way proud of the person I am about to share with you. I am writing this to vent, and hopefully find peace with my current situation at hand.
Let me just start by saying…I have grown up to be a strong independent woman. In fact, I was forced to be. My parents each had their own parenting styles and couldn’t quit hold a stable relationship together. They divorced when I was age 17.
As a young child, I acted out. I tested the waters and took advantage of my two siblings. At a very young age, probably 7, I started to bully my siblings in ways no child should ever have to face. At the time, I used more of my hands to hurt others than my mouth; now-a-days I use more of my mouth. To be honest, I don’t remember half of the events that lead up to the bullying; I just remember bits and pieces.
My mom or dad never punished me for doing it. I was never grounded. I was never taught it was wrong. Instead, my dad just stopped talking to me for years. My mom never talked to me about my actions neither. She ignored it. She didn’t want to face a 7-year-old. Over time, my anger grew. I became angrier due to lack of discipline and overall self-love. So eventually, my dad chose to stop being a parent. He didn’t know how. He stopped talking to me for about five years. No phone calls. No birthday cards. No communication whatsoever.
There was a time when we would walk past each other in the same house, and he wouldn’t even look at me.
Why? Because he didn’t know what to say to me, I guess.
At just 13 years old, I was left to fend for myself without a father figure. I was abandoned because he didn’t know how to parent me. What on earth does a 13 year old know about life? And without a father? It was tough.
Fast forward 20 years.
In therapy, I have learned a baby does not come out of the womb with anger. Anger is an emotion that is a response mechanism to a situation that is causing fear. It makes me wonder, what was I so fearful or sad about at just 7 years old? I wish I could remember the very early days of my childhood; but I can’t.
I am now an adult dealing with anger on a daily basis. Deep under my anger, I feel sadness, fear, loss, and depression that stems from many years ago.
I have learned to cope with my anger in ways I should have learned at just seven years old. I have a lot of time to make up to myself.
It’s easy to wonder, how has my past affected my relationships today? The relationship with my sister in particular is very fragile. She is very fragile. My brother is very forgiving. Me and him rarely ever argue about anything. But, my sister is holding a lot of pain and anger as well. The only difference between me and her is she is holding anger because of me, and I had anger as a child because of who? My parents!