I started seeing a therapist in November of 2019. Fortunately, I found a really good therapist. One that I instantly connected with. Earlier in 2019, I was seeing another therapist–who was a woman, but I didn’t gain anything from her at all. Granted, I only saw her twice, but I just didn’t obtain anything from the one hour sessions.
So I decided to get back into therapy because I was relapsing into old negative habits.
Without putting too much out there, I have underlying anxiety and depression, which actually stem from implicit memories.
Implicit memories can be good or bad. Usually, they are neutral memories that we store in our brains without even knowing that we are storing them. For example, riding a bike, swimming, learning the ABC song, or remembering numbers 1-10 in a different language are all examples of implicit memories. In our early years, we learn the greatest amount of information as an infant, child, and adolescent. Therefore, the memories attributed to this are stored forever in our brains. And as an adult, we rely on the memories to function throughout a “normal” day.
Most people also have negative implicit memories which can be related to abuse, neglect, or some other trauma that has impacted their perception on life.
Day in and day out, I always fight with my self–the only person who knows me, and I fight with her. I’ve listened to my voice for years– since I was born, actually! Yet, I continue to talk negatively to myself, or think negative things, and I struggle to fight off the bad thoughts. I know they are not wanted, but they insistently intrude my personal space. What can be done?
That’s hard to answer. But I am writing this in response to a negative thought, and it’s helping.
Find what helps you to avoid being your own worst enemy.
I have learned in therapy that nobody comes out of the womb with depression or anxiety. Nobody. Although it might be in the genetics; it does not mean you come out of your mother’s womb depressed. Some implicit memory is to blame for your depression/anxiety/mental trauma. The good thing about bad implicit memories is that you have a voice. You have a say in what you say to yourself.
Blue Settia 
You speak the truth. Hold onto those thoughts as you pull yourself back up to the light.
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Thank you!!
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I’m so glad that the therapist and the writing help, that is a blessing!
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It’s easy to fall into the self-depreciation mode. I have done it most of my life, too. It’s an easy go-to when you can’t handle your decisions. They say you can break any habit. Picking on yourself is a habit, too. I hope your new therapist helps you break this destructive cycle. You are sharp enough to know you don’t want to go there anymore. Trust your instincts, not the voice inside your head. Best wishes, my friend.
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Thank you for your kind words! They are always insightful. I think you’re right that picking on yourself is a bad habit and it’s most definitely hard to break.
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