Ahh… another weekend is quickly coming to an end, and most of us are probably already thinking about next weekend's excursions. I am sitting here reflecting on the past couple of days I spent with a special someone and the visuals are still pretty clear. Replaying all the endless and raw conversations, still able to smell the BBQ smoke and the mouthwatering smores. The beer that we drank which ultimately introduced us to new topics of conversation still tastes freshly brewed in my mouth. It was a great past couple of days, as we shared more time together and inevitably learned more about one another.
It's Sunday and now it is time to unwind, and replay the conversations we had from the last couple of days. We talked about past relationships, our general likes/dislikes, what we do and do not find acceptable in a relationship. Basically, we were openly expressing to each other our outlook on relationships. Undoubtedly, the underlying question is whether or not we should pursue a solid and stable relationship. My opinion? We should. I'm just a little worried about an opinion that isn't mine.
I am worried because I openly admitted my flaws over the weekend. The kind of flaws we are so good at hiding. The kind of flaws only our own eyes can see; or so they say. The kind of flaws… only your best friends and family know about and don't give two shits about.
But our spouses, our partners, our soulmates… they need to know, too. If we don't tell them, well, it isn't going to be a secret forever. Although it appeared as if it wasn't an issue, I feel so ashamed. I feel susceptible during times of intimacy, or closeness, because I feel as though my flaws are now being looked at. I have hair in places I disgust. Although I maintain it, I look in the mirror every couple of weeks and there they are again. I sigh, I moan, I scream loud roars of anger. I acknowledge this flaw, and I plan to take care of it permanently but it isn't cheap.
My fear is…what if I am now being looked at in a different light? The person we are dating is always scrutinizing us, paying real close attention and I feel so ashamed and scared that there might be a time I forget to maintain my flaws, and I am seen at the wrong angle, in the wrong light.
I don't regret admitting my flaws… I am just nervous about an opinion that isn't mine.