The thought of lovin’ you makes me sick

by Blue Settia, posted in Dating, Love, Relationships

Here we go, another chance at love.

Isn’t is what we all strive to find in this life? Discovering love with another human soul and connecting to them on a physical and mental level. Sounds like the exact objective I’m aiming for at the moment. Realistically, I think about love every day.

But how come…

when the chance or opportunity comes, I get anxious? I get worried, confused, and sick. All at the same time. I experience emotions that perfectly contradict my expectations with finding love.

Time after time again, I put all of my energy into someone and give them every inch of me. I fall greatly susceptible to their voice and touch, and the sight of their name that pops up on my digital screen. Yet, time after time again, I’m laying sick in my bed, with the tightest knot in my stomach after learning it’s not meant to be for us…

Yes, I get over it. I move on, and I find happiness with myself again.

But after love finds me once more, I think about loving someone all over again. I think about how it’s really happening, again. This could be it. I finally found my one and only. Oh god…

The thought of lovin’ someone again makes me sick.

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25 thoughts on “The thought of lovin’ you makes me sick”

  1. It would be easy for me to say “of course you love again” because of odds and history. But, the feeling of being sick to even imagine loving is worth staying in until you naturally move through it. I’m impressed with your honesty.

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  2. Settia, are you familiar with Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s poem “The Invitation“? If not, I urge you to read it, two or four times, even repeatedly to square or plum your compass. If I may… 🙂

    It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

    It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

    It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

    I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

    I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

    It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

    I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

    I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, ‘Yes.’

    It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

    It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

    It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

    I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

    Don’t be shy about being real, raw, and very much ALIVE. Be wise… of course, but find as much marrow out of life as possible while doing it!

    All the best wishes for you!

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this lovely and connected poem. I appreciate it so much. I copied and saved it. I will more than likely share this poem with others. The ending sums it all up perfectly. We are born alone and we die alone. We might as well get comfortable with our self, when nobody is around. And…of course, the message: we must let ourselves free and allow for connections to be built; without worrying about unimportant stuff like age, past failures and present frights. Thanks again!

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      1. Settia, you are more than welcome.

        I too have loved MUCH, many times, many beautiful souls. I FINALLY learned — perhaps too late? Hahaha — that I came out of them all just fine! Imagine that, right? 😉 Then I also later realized that if I always go into a shell and clam-up, how on Earth will anyone (my Twin Flames/Soul Mates especially) find me if I’m not my unabashed Life-o-naut, Psych-o-naut, Time-traveler, Path-finder, Marrow-sucker SELF!?

        So now… I live in abandoned wisdom! 😛

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      2. I am finding comfort every day with all that I’ve been through. Love is tough. Love takes work and when it doesn’t work out, it’s like this dreadful and anxious feeling you feel being fired from your job. Love is work, a friend once told me. And I understand. I do eventually get over it, but it leaves scars–to deep of a scar to ignore or forget, what love is really capable of. It sure does take time to forget what hurts the most. I just need to face my fears.

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      3. I hope you like quotes. 😀 At least appropriate quotes that can perhaps help us gain insight. I’d like to share these two favorites, if I may…

        “The best way out is always through.”
        — Robert Frost

        “In every adversity lies the seed of an equal or greater opportunity.”
        — Napoleon Hill

        ❤

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  3. This post is so relatable! I know we talked over on my blog and how we both are in a chill phase of our love life, but I kinda met someone and we are getting to know eachother as friends, but I’m going to Lebanon for 6 weeks! I’m kinda bummed that I won’t be seeing him for a while. I feel like we were just getting to know each other. Any advice?

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    1. Awh girl it’s ok! How does he feel about you leaving for six weeks? I’m sure he will miss you but just remember if it’s mean to be it will be. I know that sounds cliche, but go on your trip and have fun. You guys can just pick back up where ya left off when you return from your trip. The stage you are at right now is the most important time, and with you not being there will leave him wondering. I bet he will be so happy when you return. If he really likes you, then he will know it will be worth the wait. So it’s surely not a bad thing you won’t see him for six weeks. Don’t worry! 🙂

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      1. You’re very right. I think I just needed to hear that from someone, thank you! It’s been a while (2 yrs) since my last relationship and I want things to work out. It’s all in God’s hands!!

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      2. Absolutely. No problem at all. I’m the same way. I need to hear it. Lol. It’s just better to be patient. Use your experience to your advantage. Take your time. Keep it in god’s hands!!

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  5. Here’s to love! I have no doubt you’ll find it with a special person because it seems like you’re surrounded by love already!
    Ugh. Dating. I feel ya. I’m hoping for a great love one day too! It’s gotta be out there! 🙂

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  7. Sounds like you’ve had a few heartbreaks. I’m sure You always hear that guy just haven’t found the right one so I won’t say it. What I will say is sometimes we set our expectations a little higher once we have been hurt before like almost not wanting to find the one as it could again be “the one” that hurt us. Love your writing.

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    1. Yea, just a couple heartbreaks. It wasn’t good timing. I also tend to go for guys who are emotionally unavailable. But my standards have improved. Thank you for the comment. You seem to understand and I appreciate the feedback.

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  8. Beautifully written..I really liked it that you believe in not stoping and keep trying cz there r people who give up soon or they just dont want to move on.love is an amazing thing and you really need to make efforts to get the best one.surprisingly we can be so choosy about our clothes,we move shop to shop comparing them likewise we should not stop making efforts till we get the one perfect for us..and it is not at all easy to start all over again after getting hurt..n may u get the ‘one’ soon. 😊😊

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    1. Hey! Thank you so much! It means so much to me. I will never stop trying and I will never stop feeling sick. Haha. I just get so nervous! Lol. Love is surely an amazing thing. It’s just scary starting over again with someone completely new. Having to go through the whole process, all over again. Lol. Thank you so much. I hope I find my one and only very very soon.

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  10. I really love how you wrote this… I hope you find someone someday that makes you feel safe and happy. Love really is so scary, but it’s so awesome that you always try because it so amazing when you do find that one special person. . Again, love your writing. ❤

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    1. Thank you so much, Aly! I know I’ll find someone one day, it’s just a matter of facing my fears. That’s my problem. I am afraid to love because of past experiences. But I can’t keep letting that hold me back. Love really is scary. And it’s so fickle. Ugh. Lol. Life. Anyways thanks again! 🙂

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      1. You’re welcome!! I totally get that. I think that because it means so much to you that you will definitely find a great love ❤

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