Throughout our lives we establish many relationships with many different kinds of people. We have our family, friends, the lovers, the college roommates, our work ‘friends’, and the others who just don’t quite make it into a classification.
The sad part is, the relationships we build or have built are fickle. It isn’t promised that the people in your life will forever stay. Duh, we know this, right?
If you’re lucky, you’ll carry several relationships for a life-time. But to the readers who remember those who aren’t there anymore– Do they still hold a special place in your heart? Never mind the argument or the disagreement that may have caused a separation. Think about the good times you shared with a human soul for a minute.
Inevitably, the many long gone personal connections we once developed gradually grow faint and disappear. But it leaves one thing behind: a permanent mark, or impression of who we once were.
I have a little something I’d like to share about what each of the three men I have maintained serious connections with have taught me.
This is for you, The Bad Boy, the one I experienced puppy love and anger with.
Ah, you. The first boy I ever loved. I’m glad I met you. Although you have caused me much pain, I am content with knowing you and what we’ve been through. It made us who we are today. We were young; we didn’t know what love was. Besides, we had different goals in mind. You couldn’t keep a job so you decided to raid people’s car for money. I, on the other hand, wanted to make the Varsity team on the girls’ soccer team in High School. I remember going to the abandoned house, drinking vodka out of the bottle with you. I remember missing a phone call from a local county jail, attached with a voicemail that had your voice on it. I remember getting so angry with you, when you told me you loved me but had sex with the girl across the street three days later. You made me look like a monster sometimes. I remember being the Bad Boy’s Bad Girlfriend. It’s okay, though. We have grown up, and we aren’t the same people were once were back then.
This is to you, The Drug Addict, the first man I loved.
Laying in my bed all day weeping and feeling sorry for yourself gave me more of reason to love you. I wanted you to see someone loves you. I thought maybe this would help you stop using. You told me you had no one in your life, that you felt so alone and that drugs make you feel good. I didn’t understand how sticking a needle in your arm made you feel good. I didn’t understand why you chose to start using in the first place knowing the consequences. Is it really that bad, babe? I love you, please stop. I am afraid I am going to lose you. I am afraid I will walk into my bathroom and see you laying on the floor not breathing. Please please please stop.
If only it were that easy. Most of our relationship was in a black hole. I was taking care of him. I learned patience, fought the feeling of loneliness, and found forgiveness. I learned how to love someone who is fragile. I loved a man who was emotionally unavailable, mentally absent. I loved a lost man. I too, was a lost woman.
This is to you, The Father, the man I can’t have.
Two baby mothers, three kids. Amazing man. Really, he never believed me when I told him this. He is one of those men who just couldn’t get it right with love, I guess.
Wow, there were times I couldn’t breathe around you. You just had this charm. This touch. God, I wish you were here right now. Sparks were present every time we were in the same room. And those eyes couldn’t look anywhere else. I loved it. You showed me so much attention. You kissed me in places I’ve never been kissed. You made me feel vulnerable; but in a good way. You are perfect. You are kind, passionate, interesting. You are…a father. You have more than one woman in your life and I don’t know if I am ready to accept that. Good bye, for now 💔
P.S Who I was with you is who I am.